There was
by Naamah Beherit
Summary: What could Richard feel after Jacob's death? *** Oneshot. Enjoy.


Disclaimer: I don't own _Lost_.

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There was pain.

A constant, dull pain somewhere inside his soul. Like a shrapnel. Or maybe more like a discomfort caused by days of being chained. Like a memory of blood running down his arms from wounds on his wrists, wrists no longer capable of feeling anything, with horrifying abrasions caused by chains. There were thick rings of blooded metal, filthy as if no one even cared about possible infections people chained with them could get. And probably that was it, they were meant to be tools, expendable. No one would care about the humiliation, when humiliated person were soon going to be stopped being considered as human at all. No one would care how long would they live, just like no one care about a shovel. Because soon they were going to be nothing more than shovels. Slaves. Slavery was a concept he would never think of before. And yet there was nothing else he could think about now, when he was chained, with his stomach hurting from hunger and his wrists aching because of the chains. It didn't matter how long would he live, he was sure he was going to remember that pain for the rest of his life.

There was fear.

Just like a fear of death those days, when the ship were dancing on the waves of furious sea. And those days when it crashed and in the next few hours everyone else was gone. Killed. Slaughtered. Hunger turned into starvation, thirst became desperate need of water, even if it would be just one drop. But when his senses began to be more and more dull, he remembered that there had always been some kind of fear. Fear of the lack of food. Fear for Isabella's well-being. So apparently he was supposed to live with a constant fear.

There was surprise.

Like a question without words. A constant thinking about how was that even possible. That brought memories of those moments when he was being fooled and used by the monster. To be honest, he always kept wondering if he made a good choice. There were always 'what-ifs'. What if he chose wrong. What if should die. What if he already died and all of that was just a hallucination. He had a feeling of being thrown right into some kind of game he didn't understand. The game he shouldn't be a part of. Something was going on here and he didn't think he would ever comprehend all of that. And that island... It was beautiful. A true paradise and yet... Again. In addition to what-ifs was also a large amount of 'yets'. Through years, he began to see what was beneath the paradise. And began to wonder why the hell did he want to live forever in here.

There was disbelief.

A denial part, to be precise. A simple 'he couldn't'. There had been many things he thought impossible to happen. Well, everything going on that island shouldn't be possible, but it kept happening. The monster, what happened to him... A few years of a relative calm, then everything went crazy and he was just trying to do his best in the work he was supposed to do.

There was emptiness.

Sure, he had seen Jacob just as a some kind of higher being. At first. Then Jacob had saved his live in more than just one way. They had been talking, getting to know each other and slowly that higher being became someone like a friend to him. And the years he had spent on the island were longer than anyone could possibly imagine. Having a person he could talk to was comforting. Of course there were also people brought to the island by Jacob, but they saw him only as someone superior, more and more as the years passed, they were dying and he was not aging. What had been a blessing once, became a burden he almost couldn't bear. So he had started experimenting and it only brought him more frustration. Some day he just stopped trying to kill himself and he was finally able to look Jacob in the eyes again. '_You wanted this', _Jacob said as if it was an excuse. He doubted it, for him it was more an explanation.

And Jacob was dead now, the only person embodying a reason in that whole mess the island had been. The only person who was able to give you a purpose. The only person on that forsaken rock who had a plan.

And what was he supposed to do now, when he was just the one who had been carrying out Jacob's plans? When it turned out that he devoted his life hoping to achieve a purpose, and that purpose had died along with Jacob? What could he possibly do, knowing his life had been futile?

He swallowed the pain combined with disbelief, hurt and anger. Maybe he should go where it had begun, despite the fact that place still frightened him. To find a purpose in the place where it had never been. To find anything or lose everything. That's how it had begun after all.


End file.
